Of Little Boys and a Man

So this isn’t the most savory of topics, but it mystified me the other day. It was and still is one of those head scratching moments.  It still mystified me today when that particularly memory came back to roost in my head as I went by our bathroom.  How did we get here?

That whole period from the third week in November here in the US – yes, turkey day, or our own American Thanksgiving – onwards to the end of the year is a great time. Well for many things. Not necessarily for getting work done, but it is a great time for food, family, sharing, togetherness and all that.

Calvin and Hobbes - Little boys

Little boys don’t smell so good…

Now, being a cave geek, I don’t leave my little shell very often. My girlfriend, the hair stylist, Kristty, however, is very social. Check out her facebook page here. She has a pretty healthy social life outside of my little sphere here at the house. Moreover, she enjoys lots of people being around.  So, one of her school friends needed to finish up an exam of some sort in the middle of this time period on a Saturday. Kristty being ever the “SURE WE’LL HELP” sort, suggested that her friend, Red, bring over her crew of kids (3 – only 2 of which are boys) to sleep over and then hang out with us.  Mom could then head off to take her exam on Saturday morning around 7 am. A sleepy-eyed little head appeared mysteriously (to me) Saturday morning with no warning from the guest bedroom. All of the arrangements apparently transpired between me going to bed around 8:30-9pm and the next morning when I got up at 3 am.

Keep an eye on a couple boys. It sounds easy enough. And probably if you’ve BEEN a parent for any length of time, it probably is. When you’re a cave geek, such as myself, anything that occurs that’s outside the realm of normal can be a whole new wrinkle. And those 2 boys, 4 and 9, definitely WERE a bit of a wrinkle. The youngest got up around 7 am. 7 am in MY world is pretty quiet usually. It’s news time, currently about the time the sun is coming up, time to prepare before the work day starts. Yes, even on Saturdays, the workday still starts. The joy of being a small business owner. There is no “I don’t work weekends” for a lot of small businesses – mine included.

The little shaver came out rubbing his eyes and hopped up on my lap for a few minutes. So far, so good. As long as he was not quite fully awake, life was good. After he started waking UP? A handful. As I looked up at the clock after answering some dozen questions, setting him up with some breakfast (2 bites were eaten), questioning what he was playing with in the other room (odd sounds were emanating), I realized while it felt as though an hour, hour and a half had passed, it was actually only slightly LESS than half an hour.

Long story short, they went off to one of those adventure type places for kids – loved it. Well, I did. I don’t know how they made out, but I loved it. Back to quiet LOL.

So, little boys… I really only have had experience with little girls (the stepdaughter types) in my life. They are somewhat different than little boys. As Hobbes of “Calvin and Hobbes” fame opines, “Little boys don’t smell so good.” Boy howdy. They seem to be a whole lot more active. They seem to be able to get into a whole lot more a whole lot faster. Maybe it’s just me and I’m getting older and gruffer. REGARDLESS….

So what brought all of this to mind today? I walked by the bathroom and visions of days past came to mind. The cleaning lady, Sue, is coming by today. She mentioned that it was shameful what a 20something girl had done (or not done) in the bathroom during her stay here with us. Messy, nasty, etc. No, it wasn’t quite a health hazard, but for some reason, it’s expected that girls will take a little more time to make sure their bathrooms are clean. She didn’t, and I have heard about it several times from Sue since, but I digress. Sue was glad the girl finally moved out – the bathroom has been above reproach ever since. Until the little boys came to visit.

After the little shavers left the next day, I went into the bathroom to take care of nature’s business. As a conscientious guy, I lifted the seat up, as I’ve been instructed to do by numerous girlfriends (including Kristty) and even a wife in there.

The horror.

What I saw – I’m just honestly not even sure how this could even occur according to the laws of physics as I understand them. How could something like this happen? How do you get that underneath a toilet seat period?? And for God’s sake, how can you POSSIBLY get that under CLOSED toilet seat hinges??? Does gravity not apply inside of a toilet for little boys? Is it just a complete gravity-free zone under their little bottoms? Maybe it’s an invisible warp zone force field continuum in that area and that’s why even as men we can’t ever hit the target properly and MUST PUT UP THE TOILET SEAT – at least according to the women in our lives. There are other possibilities….

I was watching the Sci channel yesterday and they had a kinetic railgun they were showing. The premise is that you can take a fairly small projectile and fire it at VERY high velocity and cause MAJOR damage. The whole f=mv2 thing. The scientists on the show took a solid block of concrete and dropped it into the center of a containment container. They then fired a 1 oz projectile (ball bearing looking thing) at it at a velocity of approximately 15K mph. The concrete just exploded and disintegrated into a shower of little tiny specks. And that also seems to be what happened underneath someone’s little bottom in my bathroom. I have NO idea how they might have generated that kind of velocity. Maybe it was possible but I just don’t remember having quite that capability even when I *was* younger.

So little boys – gravity-free zones, railgun intestinal structures… who knows? Regardless, the cleaning lady is coming today – and she’s going to be overjoyed we didn’t have kids stay with us again over the holidays. And finishing this just in time – time to go test out the warp zone force field theory…


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